What to Do... Internet Flirtationships (7)

...when you encounter someone on the Internet and really hit it off with them.

Hi. This is partially going to be a PSA (all right, readers; for once I'm doing an advice column based on actual experience in the given field), and also just some tips and tricks.

TO ALL CHILDREN (AND ADOLESCENTS, AND ADULTS, AND ELDERLY PEOPLE PERUSING EHARMONY OR MATCH.COM): this is a very important message concerning social interactions over the interwebs. More often than not, people in Internet chatrooms aren't just looking for a stranger to converse with. BE WARY, and BE CAUTIOUS. This does not mean you have to lie about every detail of your life, or shut down the chat and never return to those kinds of sites, but here are some important things to keep in mind if you do find yourself in these types of situations.

1. ASL = age, sex, location. These are details you do not have to give out if you are not fully comfortable. I find it is easy to filter out which people are sex-crazed by saying I'm in my nineties. (I apologize to anyone in their nineties who happens to utilize Internet chatrooms.)
2. Feel free to be sassy/sarcastic/mysterious. Remember, you do not have to give out details that you don't want to.

• details you probably should not give out under any circumstances, no matter how comfortable you are with this individual:
• address
• age*
• height**
• weight**
• eye color**
• fingerprint pattern**
• SSN
• PIN
• credit card number
• phone number

* = If you are under the age of eighteen, it is not recommended that you disclose your age. You might be saying to yourself, well, what have you done in these situations, besides lie and say you're in your nineties. I tend to hint at what age I might be without actually revealing it. Or, when I was at the tender age of twelve, I wasn't very scrupulous about sharing these things on the Internet and just flat-out admitted it. While nothing bad came of that Internet friendship, I DO NOT recommend that minors follow that example.
** = These are loose suggestions. If these details cannot identify you specifically out of the seven billion humans on Earth, then you can share them if you're not uncomfortable doing so.

       3. Set your boundaries. If telling them right off the bat that you don't want to hear how aroused they are is what it takes, then do it. If it's revealing your worries about communicating via other means, then do it. This is the way to ensure your own safety and comfort in these situations.


Now for some general tips I've compiled:

• Always be skeptical. It does not matter how much you think you trust this person, how honest they seem, how close you've become: you must always watch out for your own security and welfare. Keeping the person at a safe distance allows you to have greater control over the relationship.
• Don't let yourself get sucked in. This might be difficult - it depends on the "intensity" of the relationship - but it is a must. I can only speak for myself when I say that once I start texting somebody, I become insane, out of control, psychopathic, bipolar, desperate, pathetic, and evolutionarily worthless as a human being. But you also should not let yourself get sucked in because it could lead to you being manipulated into things you're not comfortable with and other unhealthy consequences.
• Have fun. Hell, make jokes as often as possible. It's probably safer to stay on the joking side than to get into intimate details of your personal life (remember the sharing policies highlighted above). Also, why not? By ordinance of the first tip, you should assume that the relationship is not serious OR prevent it from becoming so, so jokes are the way to go.

If you are on these Internet sites for the dating aspect, these tips may be taken lightly, given how much or little of your life you want to reveal to the significant other.

Good luck, and stay safe! 

What to Do... Productivity vs. Happiness (6)

... when you know you have to get work done, but you're hanging out with your friend(s) and you're really enjoying yourselves, and you don't want to offend them by telling them to be quiet or go away, and yet at the same time that work really needs to get done. (Y'all know what I'm sayin'?)

((Before we start, I just want to say I am not blaming any of my friends. Not a one. I love you guys, and I love laughing and making jokes and hanging out, and I love having five minutes to relax and not do stressful schoolwork.))

Mostly, this happens to me when I have a free period, and one of my friends also has a free period, so we end up talking and watching YouTube or Vine or whatever else and not really getting our classwork done, though I've known plenty a time where my friends use schoolwork as a way to get out of socializing. Odd.

I started to debate over whether it is more important to be productive or to be happy. Since there is no absolute answer for that, I will list the pros and cons of each.

Why productivity is better:

• Things get done. You're not up for who-knows-how-many hours trying to work on that assignment or complete that project.
• In general, your benefits increase. This can be in terms of how much you money you make at work, or how good your grades get at school.

Why happiness is better:

• Not to speak from personal experience or anything, being down in the dumps sucks. It's not fun to be angry or feel isolated or alone. It's always awesome to laugh with your friends about absolutely nothing, and to make light of even the most awkward situations.
• You'll probably live longer if you're happy than if you're rich or well-off financially.

Why productivity is NOT better:

• You probably end up stressing yourself out to the point of depression or anger issues. There is such a thing as OVERoverachieving.
• Why be so predictable? It's not necessary to be the one who turns everything in on time, plus the extra effort, without missing a point on a test and never making a mistake. It's ridiculous, in fact. Jeez. Lighten up. There's more to life than work.

Why happiness is NOT better:

• There's no way you can be happy all the time. Honestly. If you were happy all the time, happy wouldn't exist. It would just be "normal."
• The world is not a happy place. I often use this as an excuse to not be happy and not enjoy life, but sometimes it makes sense. No sense being happy when kids can't go to school without getting shot, or when a gay couple can't even have the wedding of their dreams, or when people's water gets polluted and everyone's life is in peril. So, seriously. Happiness is, at times, downright inappropriate.

But, if we were really going to compare the two, I think happiness is better by far. A person is so much richer in being happy than in having money. Maybe you have the lowest ranking at your job, but you have the most loving home and family and friends. I think that's what matters. Grades aren't where it's at. It's living a life that is happy. Sadly, that can't always be achieved, but that is why I'm going to make the effort to snag every fragment of joy I can out of life. That will be worth more in the end than acing the test, or getting a participation grade of one-hundred. Seriously? School is awesome and everything, and it does determine many aspects of our lives in the future. Okay, I guess I have to resign myself to saying this is a tie. Happiness and productivity do go hand in hand on occasion. You feel happy when you get an A on the test, right? And you feel like you're achieving something in life when you're having fun, don't you? 

So, take your pick. Which has more influence in your life?

What to Do... Romantic Trouble (5)

...in any situation where either a devastating occurrence causes you to lose your emotional stability, or you have a character conflict where you need to conceal improper sentiments.

Basically, what I mean by a devastating occurrence is when somebody breaks up with you, or somebody cheats on you or is having an affair, or something in the romantic world, I guess. (NOTE: This is for future reference. Hopefully nobody out there has already had to deal with this. Not without my handy advice! Okay, joking.)

Some examples in literature; from a book I'm reading, and from a story compilation I'm kind of writing.

Janie had looked up. Reeve could not meet Janie's gaze. There was something glinting about her, like a setting sun in his eyes. Without inflection, just plain words, as if reading a vocabulary list, Janie said to him, "Don't call me. Don't come to my house when you're home."
     "No, Janie, please," he said, and his voice cracked. "I still love you. Let me talk to you alone. Please."
     "If you even liked me, you would have stopped yourself from doing this."
     "That's not true. I just wasn't thinking. I still love you" (122).

Reeve leaned against a building and slid down the bricks to the sidewalk, like a drunk. The expression on Janie's face! The stunned blankness, as if he had slapped her (125). 

Source: Cooney, Caroline B. The Voice on the Radio.  New York: Ember, 1996. Print. (This book here.)

Whatever it is, he's already done it.
     And he's not asking for forgiveness.
     He's pleading for punishment.
     All at once I realize it. I put the pieces together – his state of being disheveled, the look in his eyes, the pleading for punishment – and I get it.
     He cheated on me.
     He must now see my newfound knowledge on my face, because he takes a step closer to me, arm outstretched in a pleading gesture.
     “Please – I can explain-”
     “Please do,” I say, trying not to let the iciness come through in my voice. I try to sound even, to sound diplomatic. I try to sound like I empathize: people make mistakes, forgiveness is almost always reached somehow. I try to sound like a counselor or therapist, and he's speaking about having done this to someone else, someone out of my reach, someone I have no ties to and no desire to meet face-to-face. But it hurts. It cuts, right into my heart, and there's a hollow feeling in my chest that I can't remedy. He's done this to me. And all of a sudden I snap. I can't help it.
     “How could you do this to me?” I say, my voice hoarse and weak and raspy. My breath catches and my heart pounds weakly in my chest, aching and throbbing for every beat. I can't look at him but I have to, I have to transmit my pain to him. “How?” My voice starts trembling then, like I'm scared I'm going to be hit even though I already have been.
     “I- I don't know.” Suddenly, the voice I used to love is strangled and tied up in knots too. His guilt is so overwhelming that he needs no words.
     Saying his name crushes my frantically pounding heart, willing it to disappear. “I would like you to get your things and go.”
     “It wasn't me,” he pleads, but I catch his eyes and know instantly that it was.
     “My God!” I shout then, not even bothering to keep my voice down. “I'll bet it was a coworker, wasn't it? You figure, we're getting out late. My son won't notice. My wife won't care. And oh boy I can't control myself!” I'm shrieking so loudly I don't even recognize my own voice, shrieking so my voice can get through my tightening throat. My eyes spill over with tears, and my rage only fuels their fire (25).

Source: my story compilation of tidbits of the lives of characters from the age-old tale, Sunlight. (Oh, new readers. I do not pity you for not knowing in the least about what I am talking. Sunlight was a torture I do not ever want to put anyone through again. There is a reason I excluded names from the above passage.)


Okay, so, my point is comparing how we act in these situations to how I think it would be better to act. (My personal opinion, based on my personal, and not so intense, but similar, experiences.) If someone you really cared about were to tell you that things weren't working out, or they were seeing someone else, or to just initiate a break-up, we would inevitably feel betrayed, upset, infuriated, and desperate, right? But, as I see in all these romance novels and movies, I don't think lashing out or pathetically begging is really the answer. I understand that when you're mad at someone, it's really hard to hold that inside and pretend it doesn't exist. But I've thought about it, and I would hope that if someone were to break up with me, they would come talk about it with me in person, so we could have a reasonable conversation and say our goodbyes in a civil fashion. However, in this day and age of IM and texting and Facebook and Twitter, I hardly think it's likely that anyone would take the time to break up with you face-to-face, especially if they're cutting you off to get with someone else. So, if you maybe see a post online somewhere saying "We're done" or "I want to break up" or maybe something more accusatory, or a status update saying "single", or pictures of some new girlfriend/boyfriend, I would hope you can try to get a time to talk to them about it (don't start throwing out the insults or groveling at their feet; they deserve neither for the way they broke up with you) and get both sides to understand and say goodbye the way they should.

If someone is cheating on you/having an affair outside of your relationship, it's going to be a bit harder to understand that because, like the breakup, it's them leaving (or maybe not leaving) you, but, unlike the breakup, they're not acknowledging they want somebody else before pursuing it. If they tell you straight out, however, bravo for them. I can see how it would be horrible to have to admit to someone what you're doing, especially if it's of that magnitude. Like in my story compilation, I think it's easier said than done to act like it's all happening in the third-hand, and you are completely on the outside, especially if it's happening to you. But, if they truly feel badly about it, it's hard to hold a really long grudge. However, if they don't feel badly about it and they're just letting you in on a long ongoing secret and they don't really care how it affects you or your relationship with them, it's better to still be civil. Maybe just let them off the hook as neutrally as you can, if manageable. I can infer that it would be horribly crushing if this happened, if somebody you love had betrayed you in this way. But, not even jerks like them deserve your anger.

I stand up and something overtakes me. I feel my arm prepare to strike him across the face, but I hold myself back. “No. You're not worth that. That's what you want, isn't it?” (more from my story compilation, 26).

Because they (maybe) expect you to crumble, you should hold back - in their presence, at least - from showing them your weakness. If you are so broken you can't possibly refrain from any sort of release of emotion, I can understand.

If the case is that it's just somebody who pushes your buttons and for some reason there is an unavoidable "character conflict," I believe it is easier to feign politeness and niceness. In some situations. I've found that I just end up talking in very short sentences, because long sentences will make it easier to start to vent my anger. Sometimes I paste on a polite, "I'm in the presence of unsuspecting strangers" smile and keep my angry monologue running full-speed inside my head. (Trust me, you wouldn't want to hear that one out loud.) I try to act as I feel they would expect me to, and keep up conversation or polite gestures until I can get away from them. Okay, if it's a sibling, there's probably less need for formalities, but no need to lash out on them. (Well, I'll admit, I do kind of lash out by criticizing them loudly to myself in a sing-song voice until they storm off.)

My hope is that some of you readers have your own ways of dealing with these emotional outbursts that are tried and true. If so, help us out! (Half the time, I don't even know what I'm talking about. I've never been there. I don't really know how it feels.)

By the way, The Voice on the Radio is part of the series of the "corny '90s horror books" (OTTILT Sep 7).

What to Do... Dead Plot (4)

... if you have a piece of writing where the plot is just dead. You don't know what went wrong with the idea or how it just came to stop where it did. Well, don't despair! And certainly don't throw it away. (Trust me, I always end up regretting that at some point later on.)

"Ways to Revive Dead Plot

• throw in a surprising or unexpected plot twist
• introduce a new character that will change the plot or the main character
• determine where you think the story is headed and map an outline - how to get to the story's climax
• pause the action with a flashback of the character(s)
• have the character soliloquize or ponder on their desires, thoughts, problems, memories, etc.
• off to the side, write character descriptions, setting descriptions, plot planners, etc.
• try to get another, fresh mind into the world of the story to give a new take on things (i.e., a friend or relative)
• what are you feeling/doing? -- put it into the character/plotline
• write down any and all snippets that come to mind in developing upon the story
• backtrack from a different character's point of view"

excerpt taken from journal; written on July 2, 2013

Now, I haven't really taken my own advice on this, so I don't know how useful any of this will be. I do find that secondary viewpoints give you a deeper understanding of the characters' emotions and the feelings in the plot. 

What to Do... Bored with Music (3)

...if you are stuck in a rut and have been listening to the same song(s) over and over for the past week(s) without any interest in them.
As it turns out, I've previously come up with a solution for this problem(which may or may not work)!

Ahem. Here I present to you:

"Harlenn MacSaint's Top Five Ways to Find a Good Song to Listen To!
(by the way, Harlenn MacSaint is my now-extinct alias)

Chances are you've probably been listening to the same song or two for the past week. Don't you want to hear something new, and just as exciting? Problem is, you don't find yourself to be interested in listening to just any random song. You keep going back to the same song(s) over and over again. How can you possibly overcome this dilemma?

1. Listen to a song you like that you haven't heard in a while. Chances are listening to it after that span of time will remind you of how you came to like it in the first place. Score! (And by a while, I don't mean five minutes.)

2. Listen to a song you've been wanting to listen to but have put off. If your need for this song has lasted this long, there's a good possibility that you will enjoy finally getting to hear it. Win!

3. Listen to a song similar to the song you've been obsessing over, but by a different artist. Pandora is a great hands-free way to do this - type in that song and let the Internet work its magic. Awesome!

4. Have a friend make a recommendation to you. Do you and your bud rock out to the same artists? There's an easy way to get your ears on some good stuff related to the songs and albums you already like. Go team!

5. Listen to a greatest hits album by that artist. If this is precisely what you've been obsessing over, you're out of luck here! If not, you will see good results. PWNAGE

And now that I have made this handy little reference sheet, I will go to follow my own wonderful and completely logical advice. AWESOME!"

excerpt taken from journal; written on May 7, 2012

Or, when in doubt, I have two words: Bob. Dylan. I'm not kidding. He is the greatest, and if you can't find a song to listen to, just pop a Dylan LP on the old turntable and relax...

What to Do... Broken Promises (2)

... in those situations where people promise you something, you get your hopes up, and then your hopes are shattered.

Situation 1: If the person legitimately forgot their promise to you and they apologize so profusely you can tell they feel worse about it than you do, forgive them. If it's a single, isolated incident (or incidents), and usually they follow through, then they did not intentionally do it and they do not deserve you holding any sort of petty grudge against them.

Situation 2: If the person promises to do something, but then they completely blow it and the next day say nothing regarding it, no "Sorry," not even some lame and completely unbelievable excuse, confront them about it. You don't have to wait until the next time they try to play you to say something. Ask them, "Why do you always tell me you're going to do something, but then you don't do it?" However, it may be easier for you to wait until they try it again, so you can catch them in the act and they can't avoid or deny it. Right after they say it, tell them to not say it. Ask them how they plan to do it. Say you'll be glad to see their work/receive their call/whatever task they claim they will do. Talking to them about it will get them to (hopefully) stop making these false promises, and it could even finally propel them to do what you've asked for them to do.

What to Do... In CrushLand (1)

...if you're one of those kids moving along through high-school that ends up having what seems to be "true" love, a super crush, or at the very least, any kind of requited anything.

Here's something to ponder: if you do like them, and you have your reasons, and said person reciprocates any sort of positive feeling, then you can try to step in and take action, if this is what you really want to do.

1) Try to get the details.
          Typically, when you like a person, you try to find out as much as possible about them. Why not then try to obtain this information directly from the person? If you can learn the more personal details, it'll be easier to find out his/her feelings.
2) Go out of your comfort zone a little.
          It's okay if the two of you just banter and engage like regular friends, but if you really want to know if any of those feelings are going on, push the boundaries a little. Don't be shy. Don't come out with it all at once, of course, but slowly kick up the level of bantering. Ask questions with a subtle romantic connotation. You never know - your instinct could have been right!
3) Notice how he/she interacts with you.
          If there is a teasing undertone for "arguments," if they bring up something funny you both said/heard, if they act funny - calling you by nicknames, addressing you by your full name, seeking you out for small bits of advice, asking you a bit more personal questions - then there are some signs that this reciprocated feeling could have made it into charted territory - a.k.a. CrushLand.

Also, here's an added extra question that could be useful:
How do I know if they're looking at me? This could be a useful bit to know - if they're looking, they're noticing. If they're noticing, they're paying attention. If they're paying attention, they're interested. If- Well, you get the idea. So, how do you know? My main answer is look right back at them. I have come up with a few main ways they could react and what they could mean:

• Their gaze does not at all meet yours. They weren't looking.
• They quickly look away. They were probably shy, and embarrassed to be caught looking.
• They hold your gaze for a few moments before looking away. There is an attraction of some sort there. You know all those cliches about staring into each other's eyes. This person's probably caught up in your gaze, but then they've recomposed themselves before any outsiders take notice.
• You do not catch their eye immediately, but after a moment they look in your direction and return the gaze. They're definitely acknowledging that you've looked their way. This shows that they notice, and care, if just a little little bit. Maybe they've just started thinking of you, just noticed your presence there, and they want you to know they know. If they hold the gaze a moment or so, they are experiencing the results of the previous reaction.

I dedicate this brief self-help post to the sunshine of my life, mutual Harrison lover, and "crazy person," Anonymous, who currently has a crush on whom she calls, "George #2."